As usual, I am inspired to write and share my own thoughts by the email notification I got from Tolu Toluhi’s most recent vlog. What do you do when your fiancé is not financially ready or stable to settle down in marriage even though you both love each other?
I will like to clear one thing before I share my thoughts. No two relationships are the same, I say that to my own circle all the time. There are certain situations where we maintain that all men are like this in this regard or all women are like this in that regard or well, all relationships are like this in this particular regard. In many instances, however, relationships and people have proven to break through these laws and have had to shine through their individualities to create a unique collaboration in love.
So, this lady goes on to ask a question. She has been in the relationship for 5 years, it’s also long distance and she is in her late twenties. She is ready to get married but the man isn’t financially ready to tie the knot. She is confused on whether to leave, pull in her own financial weight or keep on holding on and waiting for the man.
Here are my own submissions, hopefully they are as I want to pour them out of my head and heart.
1. I strongly believe that it is very pointless to be in a long distance relationship with no end in sight. I have fallen victim to this once, so this is no ‘Esther coming to hand us instructions out of her perfections’ article. There are times that what you want as end doesn’t end up as that but may I submit to you that it is extremely important to define it still?
If you plan to date for 1 more year after you have made your intentions known to each other, I think it is necessary to be vocal about it and plan the nearest future. When is it likely for us to settle down? Do not keep on going on with a man fruitlessly without planning a proposed end. Discuss these difficult topics, ask these difficult questions.
I say this because it is no wonder why this lady is stuck in a 5 year relationship that still has no end in sight. I was stuck in a 3 year relationship, there was still no end. It was a case of, if money comes, we marry, if money doesn’t come, we keep on going.
I knew that if I continued at that rate, I would hit the 5 year mark with this dude like this confused lady in question. Now, what’s so funny is that, at the 5 year mark, you are scared to leave because you have spent so much time and energy and money and emotions grooming the relationship. Also, what if leaving is going to be the wrong decision after all these years?
If after 6 months – 1 year, you are the one, as the woman, constantly initiating marital talks and future projections, please sit back and introspect. Financially ready or not, a man should know what he is doing with you after several months of being in a relationship with him. You don’t have to get married in a specific time frame compulsorily, you should however have plans, it doesn’t matter if they are tentative given the financial circumstances.
2. What does being financially ready mean to you?
For some men, financial readiness is only when they have reached a certain standard. He must have his car, a house and some other high end stuff. Financial readiness is a relative thing.
If you both want to be all settled before tying the knot, I think it might not be wise as that may take forever. Men and women grow with each other. It is not a bad idea to grow and build with a man.
Okay, so I understand where the woman is ready to build with a man but the man isn’t ready to do that. This might be out of fear, ego, uncertainty or plain indecisiveness.
It might not make sense to put your marital life on hold for someone who does not share the same values as you financial wise. You may later get to realize that it is more than just financial lack, other things are holding him back.
For example, at what stage are you both in? At her late twenties, a woman is fully ready to walk down the aisle, a man may not be at that age. You might also need to ask the Holy Spirit to open your eyes to see things the way they are so that his son will not keep on wasting your time in the guise of financial constraints. God has other awesome sons for you, you are not stuck to just one of them.
At what financial point do you think it’s okay to settle down? Are you convinced that you can pull off something reasonable with where you both are at financially? Are you sure that you can both start off from where you are right now?
These are questions that you have to truthfully and sincerely answer. Now, if you are sure, is the man sure? Is your fiancé mature enough to assess situations and draw up a future plan for you both into marriage?
If your fiancé is ready, he won’t bring financial excuses. He can ask you to tarry with him, but he must be able to give you a time frame. This is why it is important to be with someone who is ready to be proactive about your futures.
I have seen cases where the woman is the more proactive one about their future, decisions and all but trust me, she will tell you in her closet that she feels drained. She will tell you that getting married to a figure head, passive man is painful.
In conclusion, do not keep on holding out for a relationship without definite plans. Financial constraint is many times, not the problem with the man. It’s something deeper. His passiveness, fear of the future, his uncertainty about you, ego etc. His deep seated issues will comfortably be masked in his financial excuses. When a man is ready for you, he will sit down with you and let you both put your financial life into a formal, verbal, clear, audible, plain, sincere discussion. Do not wait 5 whole years to continue the financially ready discussion.