Christianese : Gibberish stuff Christians say

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“God bless you”

“It is well”

“You are blessed”

And all of the other stuff is such a chore. Maybe Christianese is not a difficult language after all but it is beginning to feel as though there are so many versions of this and to be totally honest with you, I can’t keep up with it anymore.

I do not have a single problem with “God bless you”. I mean, God bless me, really. Where my head is beginning to ache is when I am supposed to switch from the ordinary, plain, innocent English to Christianese.

Let me explain…

I was going down the road after one of our powerful Sunday services to board a cab. Usually, no one ever goes that way after church. Oh, well, that is exactly why I do.

No crowd, less choke.

This dude, (I must warn you, he is part of the founding fathers of Christianese), spotted me and asked why I was going towards that direction. Innocent me just spewed;

“Oh, I like to go down the road, it’s way easier to find a cab”

Just like he jolted from electrocution, he exclaimed:

“You will never go down in Jesus’ name!!!”

‘Here we go’, I muttered under my breath.

What in the world, man.

From experience, stay away from these phrases if you ever have to be with anyone whose only language is Christianese.

“What the hell” (You must be joking!)

“I am going down” (Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)

“Are you the last person” (Don’t forget to add ‘on the queue’ if you must say this)

“Jesus Christ” (Apparently, you are not supposed to call the name of the Lord in vain)

“Shit” (Just know you’ll be ostracized from the circle. Don’t try it)

“Bullshit” (Well, I just asked you not to say “shit”)

“I am broke”(Really, haven’t you learned anything in church?”

“I am sick” (You are speaking negative things into your life)

“Is he crazy?” (Say “God bless him” instead)

WTF (Dundee, what are you doing?)



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